Your Inward Reactions And Your Subconscious Mind

How often have you found that no matter how hard you try to be more loving, or patient, less angry and judgmental, you can't do it? Or you do it for a while then fall back on your old behaviors. 

Change is so difficult because of your negative inward reactions. Inward reactions are the automatic reactions of your body (stress), emotions, mind, and will/desires.) You may have trouble with them because you don't pay attention to them. You may not know how to change them or even that they exist.

Usually, negative inward reactions are the result of past painful “unfinished business” that was too overwhelming to face. So you locked away some or all of that information in your subconscious mind.

But the experience and your reactions have not gone away. Something in the present (a sound, a smell, or a comment from a friend) can trigger those reactions. Then, only a real conscious effort will allow you to expose and change them. It's a lot like playing the tunes on a CD. Your inward reactions are the CD and you are the CD player. 

There are many approaches to change. If, however, you want change that lasts, you must always change those four inward reactions--bodily stress, emotions, thoughts, and desires. 

YOUR TASK.      Part of changing your inward reactions is to make what is subconscious conscious. Why? Isn’t it better to just leave these painful things alone? Why bring it all back to the surface? 

The answer is that unless you make some things conscious, they sit in you, like bad, rotting food, and poison your whole system. Then when something triggers them, you are doomed to have the same thoughts and feelings and desires, and to do the same things, one more time. You will make the same mistakes over and over. Hopefully, you realize that you don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. Also, you can't consciouly change something if you're not aware of it.

HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMETHING CONSCIOUS AND CHANGE? But how, you might ask, do you make something conscious and change? Start by staying aware of your inward reactions (body, emotions, mind, and will).  Your body sensations and emotions in particular are signals from your subconscious. Also. your mind is not always your friend. When you are really upset, note that your mind can get in the way, telling you things are okay, while your body--your gut--is saying, “Watch out!” 

THE FASTEST WAY TO LASTING CHANGE.      Not only is awareness of your inward reactions the way to your subconscious and to change, it is the fastest way to lasting change. And here's some good news. Once you know what to look for and can identify your reactions, you can use the tools you have to stop repeating the same mistakes and change.

You can retrain yourself to do some different--better for you and those you care for. When you change your inward reactions, you can change your deep beliefs and choose your behaviors. You actually rewire your brain.

In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, you will find, among other things, a mental checklist, tools, and 4 steps to help you recognize your inward reactions, change your deep beliefs, and choose your behaviors. Click here http://amzn.to/Xw2YMZ  to see inside the book.

You can retrain yourself, change, grow, and engage life more fully. 

Victims! Victimizers! What About Problem Solvers?

Republican presidential candidate Romney’s recent statement about victimhood brings to mind Herman Cain’s, declaration of some months ago, ”I refuse to be a victim!”

I was fascinated to hear Cain, an earlier Republican presidential hopeful, clearly state that he refused to be a victim. What exactly are these two powerful men talking about? 

WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIM.           Victims try to Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! They believe they need others to fix or provide for them. As result, they are willing to give up their healthy, independent selves rather than confront and resolve issues,. Victims respond to people and situations from an under-dog, one-down position. For a victim, it feels safer to avoid arguments and confrontation.

BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM.          The problem is that victims eventually find a way to become the victimizer.

WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIMIZER.        Victimizers try to Control! Control! Control! They send the message. “You need me to set things straight. I have all the answers. I know better. I’ll fix you and everyone else. It must be done my way.“ Victimizers respond to people and situations from a top-dog, one-up position. Being in control helps a victimizer feel safe.

THE VICTIM-VICTIMIZER SWING.         Just as victims swing into the victimizer position, every victimizer eventually collapses into the victim position. I call this swing from victim to victimizer or from victimizer to victim the “Victim-Victimizer Swing.” Every one goes into the Victim-Victimizer Swing from time to time. But gratefully, a third option exists.

WHAT ABOUT THE PROBLEM-SOLVER POSITION?            The choice to respond to people and situations as victims or victimizers tugs at us in every stressful situation. But those who manage their stress and negative emotions can stay aware and objective. They have a third option. They can respond as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution. It all starts with honesty and a commitment to a win-win solution.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?        Using Eric Berne’s concept of “okayness,” might help you recognize when you go into victim or victimizer. When you feel stressed or confused, ask yourself which position you have adopted. 

• I'n not okay  -- You're okay         --  Victim
• I'm oaky --  You're not okay    --  Victimizer
• I'm okay --  Your'e okay              --   Problem Solver

These are confusing times. Becoming victims and victimizers only adds to problems and detracts from finding solutions. Would you like to learn more about becoming a problem solver? In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be The Choice-Cube Method, Dr. Beth Cujé helps you understand yourself and sets forth tools and 4 steps to help you become a problem-solver. Just click here to get the first chapter of her book for FREE.

Four Steps You Can Take Right Now To Change Your Life

Are you feeling stuck? Do you want to make some changes? You may feel conflicted, uncertain, or unequipped to make changes. You may even have felt this way for a while. But there is a way out. It's not complicated either. If you want to make changes to your life take these four steps. They can make a world of difference. But there's a secret. The four steps won't change you.

THE SECRET TO CHANGE     Guess what will help you change... Truth and compassion * Yes, ultimately in all situations, it is not tools, techniques or steps, but truth and compassion that bring genuine change and healing, 

FOUR STEPS FOR TRUTH AND COMPASSION/CHOICE AND CHANGE  Step 1 - Body: Pay attention. Stay aware. Be an "objective observer" of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. What truth is your body trying to tell you? If you feel stressed, have some tools on hand to help you manage your stress and move on to Step 2.

Step 2 - Emotions: Don't be afraid to know the truth of what you feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and label them. You do not have to act on them. Emotions are signals from your body that tell you to pay attention and decide if what you are doing, or what is being done to you, is helpful or harmful. If you don't have tools to interrupt negative emotions and replace them, learn some. Then use them. Emotions can enrich your life if you know how to manage them well.

Step 3 - Mind: If you manage your stress and negative emotions it's time to look for the meaning you are attaching to the person, thing, action or problem that is upssetting you. Now is the time to look at yourself and see what needs to change within you. Be honest and patient with yourself  and others. Can you you stop focusing on something or someone outside of you that you think is the problem? Are you willing to take responsibility for your part in the problem? If so, you give yourself choice.

When you can see the problem and the meaning you attach; if you take responsibility for what you think, feel, want, and do; you can see the problem but also look for your options and strengths. When you can see both, try to seesaw between the two until you are ready to choose which one you prefer to focus on. This choice is critical because whatever you focus on will result in more of the same. Your focus will cause you to see what you are already looking for! This causes or reinforces the formation of mental and behavioral habits, healthy and harmful. 

Step 4 - Will/Desires:  Now, if you have managed your stress, negative emotions, and the meaning you attach--Steps 1 through 3--you can stop trying to avoid or control everything inappropriately. You can do something different. You can make changes and take action to resolve issues win-win--so that you and others feel fairly dealt with. You can replace the negative and act on the positive.

These the 4 Steps of the Choice-Cube Method for choice and change found in Become the Person You Were Meant to Be. In addition to the 4 Steps, this book also provides a Checklist for self-understanding and Tools for choice and change. Once you learn the Steps and Tools you can use them over and over to find immediate relief in the present and to make long-term lasting changes.

*Truth is defined here as a relatively realistic and complete picture of yourself, others, and the situation.Compassion is defined as consciousness of others’ and your own distress with a desire to alleviate it.

4 Proven Steps For Change

Hank was frustrated! He knew he should work things out with Franny, but he was so tired of arguing that he just did not want to make the effort. Trying to work things out with her seemed impossible. What about you? Has life ever seemed a battle between what you knew you should do and what you were willing to do? Have you ever felt you were losing the battle and that there was no way to resolve an issue? 

ONLY THREE CHOICES    The truth is that in every situation you have only three kinds of choices. And everything depends on the choice you make. You can try to avoid an issue. That's what Hank was doing. You can try to control it (use anger or try harder with no good results) or change and successfully resolve it.

It’s only natural to want to avoid or control an issue. Who wants to tangle with a snarling dog? But trying to avoid or control a snarling boss can lead to bigger and nastier problems. Problems start when we fail to resolve issues and get stuck trying to avoid or control them inappropriately.

Here's a important thought. With each choice we make, we program ourselves!

4 SIMPLE STEPS FOR CHANGE     If we choose to take responsibility for what we think, feel, want, and do, we begin to change the only thing we can change. . .ourselves. Let's look at the following 4 steps that can help us make important changes and solve problems.          

STEP 1:  We recognize when, instead of wanting to resolve an issue win-win, we try to avoid it (go shopping, dump on a friend, just give up) or control it (be right, no compromise).

STEP 2:  We manage our stress and express our emotions appropriately.

STEP 3:  We think more clearly now because we have dealt with out stress and negative emotions. Now, we can see the pros and cons of the situation and focus on finding a solution to the problem instead of focusing on the problem itself.

STEP 4:   We do something different and take honest, compassionate action.

THE CHOICE-CUBE METHOD CAN HELP    You may want to look at the Choice-Cube Method’s tools and 4 key steps as one way to make wise choices and changes. The method is found in my book, Become the Person You Were Meant To Be - The Choice-Cube Method:  Step by Step to Choice and Change. Click here to see inside the book. 

Trying Hard To Stay Cool, Calm And Collected

Trying hard to stay calm, cool and collected!    This recent status report on Facebook caught my attention. In our super busy world, this statement sums up what many of us are trying to do, much of the time.

BODY   We try to stay calm, cool and collected and control stress in our body (tense shoulders, teeth grinding, sweating, and shallow breathing). But often, we fail to manage our stress because we don't know how. Or we ignore and avoid what our body tells us.

EMOTIONS     We may try, but find it impossible to control, negative emotions such as fear, anger, shame, and feeling overwhelmed. "I shouldn't feel this way." Perhaps we try to avoid them by distracting ourselves. Or we may avoid them as we block or ignore them. Going numb is a symptom of avoidance. 

MIND  - WILL   We often do the same things with unacceptable thoughts and desires. We try to control them and figure them out. Or try to avoid them as we distract ourselves or go numb. 

THEY DON'T JUST DISAPPEAR   Whether we try to avoid or control these reactions, we don't take responsibility for them. And so we fail to deal with them constructively. Does that settle the matter? Oh no. Those messages from our bodies, emotions, or minds go underground—into our subconscious. And there they stay until they gather enough power to resurface, or until circumstances force them into our awareness. 

A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION   So we create a lose-lose conflict. It I let it all hang out, I lose. I hurt people or make a fool of myself. But if I mindlessly and automatically try to avoid or control my thoughts, feelings and desires, I also lose because I don’t really resolve them. What’s a person to do? 

Good question. You can’t fix something if you are not aware of it. So why not allow yourself to think what you think, feel what you feel, want what you want? Willingness to stay aware gets you off auto-pilot. Now, you can take responsibiity for your reactions and make healthy changes.

TRY THE CHOICE-CUBE METHOD   The simple Choice-Cube self-help method www.amazon.com can help you manage your body, thoughts, emotions, and desires. Here's how.

First, the method gives you a mental framework to help you stay in touch with what you feel think, and want. Second, there are simple tools to help you do what’s best for you and for those you care for. Third, there are four key steps to guide your change, in a rliable, systematic way, from inappropriate defensiveness to healthy problem-solving.

Using this method, you learn to feel, think, and want without having to act on it. Instead, you learn to use the framework, tools, and steps to make important changes and take the best course of action. You become your own BFF—best friend forever--and relate in a healthy way to those you care for.