"Making It Safe:" A Choice-Cube Tool

Here are four simple steps that can change any relationhip for the better.

Try it and see how it helps. P.S. There's a funny video after the steps.

1.  Acknowledge what the other person is feeling. You don't have to understand it or agree with it. Just acknowledge it.

2.  Touch the person gently if it is appropriate.

3.  Reassure the other of your concern and willingness to understand the problem and work it out with him or her. 

4.  Offer to help solve the problem. Note:This is the last thing you do. Don't try to solve the problem until the other feels heard, understood and accepted.

Now Click here...It's NOT About The Nail!: 

From: Become The Person You Were Meant To Be - The Choice-Cube Method: Step by Step To Choice and Change (2nd Edition. p.118).

Note: You can use this tool to calm and support your won "inner child."

Victims! Victimizers! What About Problem Solvers?


Republican presidential candidate Romney’s recent statement about victimhood brings to mind Herman Cain’s, declaration of some months ago, ”I refuse to be a victim!”

I was fascinated to hear Cain, an earlier Republican presidential hopeful, clearly state that he refused to be a victim. What exactly are these two powerful men talking about? 

WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIM.           Victims try to Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! They believe they need others to fix or provide for them. As result, they are willing to give up their healthy, independent selves rather than confront and resolve issues,. Victims respond to people and situations from an under-dog, one-down position. For a victim, it feels safer to avoid arguments and confrontation.

BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM.          The problem is that victims eventually find a way to become the victimizer.

WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIMIZER.        Victimizers try to Control! Control! Control! They send the message. “You need me to set things straight. I have all the answers. I know better. I’ll fix you and everyone else. It must be done my way.“ Victimizers respond to people and situations from a top-dog, one-up position. Being in control helps a victimizer feel safe.

THE VICTIM-VICTIMIZER SWING.         Just as victims swing into the victimizer position, every victimizer eventually collapses into the victim position. I call this swing from victim to victimizer or from victimizer to victim the “Victim-Victimizer Swing.” Every one goes into the Victim-Victimizer Swing from time to time. But gratefully, a third option exists.

WHAT ABOUT THE PROBLEM-SOLVER POSITION?            The choice to respond to people and situations as victims or victimizers tugs at us in every stressful situation. But those who manage their stress and negative emotions can stay aware and objective. They have a third option. They can respond as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution. It all starts with honesty and a commitment to a win-win solution.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?        Using Eric Berne’s concept of “okayness,” might help you recognize when you go into victim or victimizer. When you feel stressed or confused, ask yourself which position you have adopted. 

  • I'n not okay  -- You're okay         --  Victim
  • I'm oaky --  You're not okay    --  Victimizer
  • I'm okay --  Your'e okay              --   Problem Solver

These are confusing times. Becoming victims and victimizers only adds to problems and detracts from finding solutions. Would you like to learn more about becoming a problem solver? In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be The Choice-Cube Method, Dr. Beth Cujé helps you understand yourself and sets forth tools and 4 steps to help you become a problem-solver. Just click here to get the first chapter of her book for FREE.

"I Refuse To Be A Victim!” - Herman Cain

I was fascinated to hear Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, clearly state that he refuses to be a victim. Would you agree that the opposite of a victim is a victimizer? It’s true. And everyone is capable of becoming both a victim and a victimizer.

But a third option exists. We always have the choice to respond to people and situations as victims, victimizers, or as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution.

Read More

Tips To Get You Out Of Feeling Stuck

Are you feeling depressed, anxious, angry, or in conflict? This is a normal part of life. Getting stuck feeling this way is the problem.

We get stuck when our focus is off and we keep repeating painful or damaging thoughts, feelings, desires, and behaviors that hurt us and others. Life can feel overwhelming when we try, but fail to avoid or control things that keep coming back to haunt us. We often feel paralyzed when we are in conflict and uncertain about our next move. Or we jump the track and act crazy. To get relief, we shut down and simply repeat hurtful old thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Or we blindly make unhelpful new choices. We are stuck and that’s the problem.

We get stuck because our powerful subconscious mind takes over and our thinking becomes lopsided. We cannot see the whole truth of the situation—the big picture. And we lack hope and compassion for ourselves and others. Our subconscious mind stirs up instincts and habits that force us to see ourselves, others, and the world in painful, but familiar ways. And often we don't even realize how mean and ugly our focus is; or how hurt and angry our focus makes us feel. We get stuck on auto-pilot and our subconscious mind, not our conscious mind, is running our show.

We can find freedom if we stay conscious and know how to get off auto-pilot. Here are two keys to help us. The first key is to stay aware of where we focus, what we feel, and how we react. The second key is take responsibility for our part in the problem and to look for the truth of the situation. Using these two keys creates choice. And freedom to choose is the first step toward the change we desire. It's all about turning off the auto-pilot and taking full command.

Our creative, problem-solving conscious mind can control the reactions of our body, emotions, thoughts, pictures in our mind, desires, and behaviors. When we stay in our conscious mind--aware, responsible, and off auto-pilot--we can always find more appropriate ways of responding to life. Instead of falling back on old hurtful habits and ways of doing things, we can do something different and helpful.

But there's that problem again. It's so easy to lose our focus, go on auto-pilot and get stuck. Without a constant effort to stay aware and responsible, our sub-conscious takes over, controls us, and we repeat the same old things one more time. We can get terribly stuck!

The self-help book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, by Dr. Beth Cujé can help guide you to greater awareness and freedom. You can begin to understand yourself and why you do the things you do the things you do. You can learn to have choice and change. The method will give you:
• A mental framework to help you self-monitor and stay aware
• Simple tools to give you choice and help you change
• Four steps guide your change and help you get free