Stop It You Two!

Stop it you two! Stop it, now! Brenda was screaming at her two oldest children; her lovely blond eighteen-year-old daughter Susan, and her twenty-nine-year-old son John. They were at it again.

“You never listen to me.” Susan yelled. “

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“And you’re a loser. Why should I listen to you,” John, red-faced, but still handsome hollered back. The brother and sister were toe-to-toe, eyeball-to-eyeball shouting and throwing memories of old hurts at one another. As they blamed, criticized, and judged one another, never once did John or Susan look at themselves and question what they might be doing wrong.

Brenda felt as is she were suffocating. Without realizing it, she had covered her ears with her hands and was slowly shaking her head feeling helpless and hopeless. “I give up.” she whispered to herself. As Brenda left the room breathing a sad little sigh, the two children were still arguing at the top of their voices. This familiar screaming match had been going on for years and Brenda felt helpless to change the situation or help her kids.  Forty minutes later, and it wasn’t over.

At that moment, the only thing Brenda knew to do was pray. Slowly, she made her way to her bedroom and fell to her knees. “Father God,” she pleaded, “Please help John and Susan find a way out of this mess. It breaks my heart and dishonors you. Please show me what to do.”

Brenda wasn’t crying. She had been through this too many times before. She was cried out. She just waited there, kneeling beside her bed, how long she wasn’t sure. Maybe she had even dozed off. But suddenly, she wide awake and it all seemed simple.

Brenda was a committed Christian and so were her three grown children. Here’s the answer she heard herself say, “We simply have to do what God says. He says. ‘If you love me you will keep my commandments.’ Well, here they are and with his help, we can keep them.

James 1:22-23 - Be a doer of the Word, not a hearer only, deceiving yourself. 

Matthew: 23:25 - You hypocrite! First clean the inside of your cup and dish that the outside of them may be clean also.

Ephesians 4:25-27 - Take the log out of your eye before you try to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Ephesians: 4:26-28 - Be angry but do not sin: do not let the sun set on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

If you have tried and failed to keep these commandments, you may be hurting pretty bad, too. But getting stuck in anger or guilt doesn’t fix the problem. Why not try something different? I suggest that you stand back as an objective observer of your feelings, label them, and use the Choice-Cube tools to let go of them safely and appropriately (without hurting yourself or others).

You see, your negative emotions, and related stress, lock in distortions and limitations in your thinking, hiding the whole truth from you. They separate you from God. (He never leaves you, but you can’t really hear him.) Getting rid of those emotions (letting go of them, not denying or stuffing them) liberates your mind to see all sides of reality—the big picture--and choose which side you want to focus on.

NOTE: Whatever you focus on will get you more of it!

If you want more information about how to do this, check out my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube® Method. It’s on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble.

Doomed To Make The Same Mistake One More Time?

JEN’S STORY.      Jen is plagued with feelings of guilt and regret. She can’t control her rage. Last night, she yelled at her youngest child again because he accidentally spilled his juice on a brand new tablecloth. She hates herself for it now.

She has promised herself over and over that she’ll never do that again. But then another little accident happens, which sends her over the edge. Her son is 5-years-old, for crying out loud! He’s still terribly clumsy, Jen understands that. Now. But she didn’t see it that way last night.

IS SHE DOOMED?      Is Jen doomed to react with rage? Is it simply who she is? Of course, not! She can change!

EASIER SAID THAN DONE.      But it’s easier said than done. What Jen doesn’t understand is that no matter how hard she tries to be more patient with her son she will not succeed unless she changes the beliefs and the inward reactions that cause her angry outbursts.

Her reactions (stress, negative emotions, thoughts and desires) and her angry behaviors result from some painful “unfinished business” and distorted beliefs -- things too painful to bear locked away in her subconscious mind. Only a real conscious effort will enable her to change them.

JEN'S TASK.      Her task is to make what is subconscious conscious. But why? Isn’t it better to just leave these painful things alone? Why bring it all back to the surface?

The answer is that unless we make some things conscious, we are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. Hopefully, there comes a time when we realize we don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. We want to change.

HOW DO WE MAKE SOMETHING CONSCIOUS?      But how do we make something conscious? I suggest that we start with staying aware of our body sensations and emotions. Usually, when dealing with the subconscious, our mind is not our friend! It just gets in the way. Our mind may be telling us things are okay, but our body--our gut--is saying, “Watch out!”

At moment like this, our conscious mind is not what we should be paying attention to. If we are wise, we will learn to pay attention to signals from our subconscious that surface as our inward reactions--the reactions of  of our body (stress), negative emotions, mind/mental pictures, and  will/desires.

THE FASTEST WAY TO LASTING CHANGE.      The fastest way to lasting change is through changing our inward reactions. Remember, these are the reactions of our body, emotions, mind, and will/desires. Once we know what to look for and can identify our reactions, we can begin to change them. And, good news! If we learn to work with our inward reactions, we can retrain ourselves to stop repeating the same mistakes. Even better, when we know how to change our inward reactions, we can change our deep beliefs and choose our behaviors. We can actually rewire our brain.

In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, you will find, among other things, tools and 4 steps to help you recognize, and work through, your inward reactions and deep beliefs. Click here to see inside the book You can retrain yourself, change and grow, and engage life more fully. Also, click here to check out my website and learn about the method.  Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2011

Switch Off the Automatic Pilot — Do Something Different!

Picture the typical family dinner scene. Doug and Tina are enjoying a nice, quiet meal with their four-year-old son. Suddenly, little Timmy spills his glass of juice. Doug jumps up, shakes his finger at the boy and shouts, “What are you? Stupid? Look what you’ve done!”

SOMETHING GOES WRONG Little Timmy is bewildered. What he doesn’t understand is that his Daddy went through the same thing as a little boy. His father relentlessly verbally abused him over little things like a spilled glass of juice.

Of course, when Tina confronts Doug with what has just happened, he feels bad for yelling at the poor kid. But he can’t stop reacting this way. What’s Doug doing here?

A ROBOTWEB? Doug is caught in a “robotweb”– a habit pattern–that involves every single part of him: his physical sensations, his emotions, his thoughts and his behaviors.

Read More

The 8 Emotions You Would Do Well To Let Go Of Right Away

Yes indeed. The best things in life come in small packages! For example, the little package of 4 positive emotions--PACS (peace, acceptance, confidence, satisfaction)--can boost your life.

But thereare 8 negative emotions--PACS-FOGD-- that can sink it. These are the 8 negative PACS-FOGD emotions you would do well to let go of right away. PACS-FOGD emotions have many expressions that vary in intensity and can overwhelm the positive ones. Take a look.

1. Pride (negative) We compare ourselves to others to feel better or superior to them. This is the flip side of shame. We try to be superior to others to avoid feeling shame.  

Expressions of Pride (negative): arrogant, better-than, boastful, cold, condescending, contemptuous, critical, disdaining, judgmental, one-up, perfectionist, pitying, well-positioned, prejudiced, self righteous, self-satisfied, shameless, stiff-backed, superior, uncompromising, vain

2. Anger  Unless we acknowledge and manage it well, it can easily create a downward spiral from offended to hurt to resentful to a pervasive bitter angry judgment that keeps us desperately stuck in the shadows.

Expressions of Anger: annoyed, argumentative, bitter, bloodlust, cold, cruel, demanding, destructive, distempered, despising, frustrated, grudge-holding, hateful, ill-humored, impatient, judgmental, murderous, merciless, oppositional, outraged, persecuting, pouting, rageful, rebellious, resentful, resistant, shameful, spiteful, stubborn, sullen, vengeful, vicious, violent, willful

3. Craving/Lust   It is driven by our desire to have or control a person, thing, or process. It can produce behaviors that seem effective but are truly damaging.

Expressions of Craving/Lust: ambitious, busyness, compulsive, controlling, covetous, demanding, devious, devouring, envious, exploitative, fixated, grasping, greedy, if only I could, longing, lustful, miserly, never satisfied, obsessed, feeling pain, panting, perfectionist, position, power-hungry, possessive, predatory, pulled, ravenous, reckless, selfish, shameless, starved, urgent, vengeful, yearning

4. Shame  It is self-conscious embarrassment, and hurts. Some people prefer to endure terrible consequences--depression, abuse, self-loathing, suicide,-- instead of facing their shame.

Expressions of Shame: a mistake, crushed, defiled, deflated, defective, deformed, dirty, embarrassment, evil, flawed, flushed/hot, humiliated, inadequate, imperfect, looking cheap/foolish/silly, no-good, pain, put-down, pitiful, red-faced, ridiculous, self-conscious, small, tortured, unsuitable, unfit, unlovable, wrong, worthless

5. Fear  It feeds on uncertainty and unpredictability. We feel fear when we can’t solve a problem, or feel uncertainty and doubt. Fear is the only emotion that focuses on the future.

Expressions of Fear: afraid, anxious, avoiding, cautious, controlling, cowardly, distrustful, fleeing, frantic, guilty, hesitant, hiding, horror, hysterical, inhibited, insecure, mistrusting, nervous, out of control, panic, paralysis, paranoid, shy, suspicious, terror, tormented, threatened, trapped, uncertain, uneasy, unprotected, worried

6.Overwhelm   It has 2 expressions. One: we “split off” from all feelings and become numb. Two: we feel wired, agitated, panicky, or hysterical.

Expressions of Overwhelm: apathetic, bored, bewildered, chaos, collapsed, crazy, confused, defeated, depressed, detached, discouraged, disillusioned, doomed, double-minded, exhausted, failure, forgetfulness, give up, give in, helpless, hopeless, horror, hysterical, learned helplessness, impotent, isolated, indecisive, indifferent, invisible, lazy, leaden, lethargic, lifeless, loser, negative, no control, numb, overwhelmed, paralyzed, powerless, preoccupied, resigned, shocked, stunned, spacey, stuck, suicidal, tired, trapped, unfocused, useless, why try?, worthless

7. Grief   It is simply a part of life. We all sustain losses that bring us grief. It becomes a problem when we get stuck in it or are afraid to feel it for fear of drowning in it. We must release it well otherwise we strengthen it.

Expressions of Grief: abandoned, abused, agonizing, anguished, bereft, betrayed, brokenhearted, cheated, despairing, disappointed, feeling loss, forgotten, gloomy, guilty, heartsick, hurt, ignored, inadequate, irrelevant, left out, miserable, misunderstood, neglected, self-pitying, regretting, rejected, remorseful, sad, sorrowful, repentant, tearful, unimportant, unlucky, unloved, unwanted, wounded

8. Disgust  It is feeling turned off, repelled, or sickened by something.

Expressions: disgusted, distaste, foul, nasty, nauseated, offensive, putrid, repelled, repugnant, revulsion, sickened, vile, “yuck”

“But I’ve been drowning in these emotions for years and don’t know how to get out of them,” you say?

The positive news is that you can stop drowning! A new way of dealing with negative emotions is available for you.  Now!  Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2009