Understanding Self-Sabotage: Thief of Personal Growth

Would you like some input on what might be holding you back from succeeding? What about a practical resource that can help you naturally overcome any fear you have around failure. 

Have you ever found that you failed because did nothing at all or did the opposite of what you needed to do? If so, lack of discipline and fear of failure or even fear of success may have caused you to sabotaged yourself!  

Self-sabotage is when you act in opposition to what you are trying to accomplish.

Can you relate to the following ways of sabotaging yourself? What about "procrastination" or putting things off. Maybe you had a great idea but never even started to make it a reality. You never quite took action when you knew you should. Instead, you let the idea roll around in your head until you dropped it. 

Perhaps you did start something like writing a book or launching a new business, but then you became overwhelmed and piddled along until you let it drop. Or you went gangbusters for a while--until you had a set back--then you quit. You freaked out or froze. You stopped dead in your tracks and never started again. 

Why do people fail?  What keeps you from becoming the person you were meant to be and from getting where you want to go? 

Maybe you have tremendous talent and ability, but still seem to have trouble succeeding. The reason? Call it what you will: procrastination, letting the ball drop, losing your vision or your focus, fear of failure or fear of success, they all lead to self-sabotage and all have one thing in common.  

Old wiring of the neurons in your brain causes your subconscious mind to override your conscious desire for success. You go on auto-pilot and do two things that your past experiences have programmed into your subconscious mind.   

Firstly, you find it difficult to focus and discipline yourself. Perhaps you never learned how, or you rather play than work. Secondly, you may struggle with fear. This fear is often hidden, but it can cause you to do the opposite of what you need to do to succeed.  

The good news is that your brain is not fixed like your shoe size. Also, some failure is a necessary step for success. It's often through failure that you learn from your mistakes. Now, failure is not your focus, but failure is where you can learn and make progress.

With a proper guide and training, your brain can rewire itself and learn new patterns of success. Why not start now to do something different and rewire your brain! My book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube© Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change     http://amzn.to/ZGnDKc         can help you understand yourself and give you tools and four key steps for dealing with fears and negative habit patterns. 

2 Hidden Fears and Losing Our Balance

FEAR IN THE MIX       When life seems unbalanced, look for fear somewhere in the mix.  “Fear?  Anxiety? What kinds of fear are you talking about?” you might ask.

THREE COMMON FEARS    Let’s start with three of the most obvious fears we face every day: fear of confronting someone, fear of making the wrong choice, and fear making a big change in our life. We do not want the pain and trouble that might come from taking these actions. But is that all there is to it?

HIDDEN FEARS       No indeed. Underneath these fears lie deeper, often hidden fears. First we fear being rejected, or abandoned by people that matter to us, or people in general. It does not matter how old or experienced we are, we all have this fear and we need to deal with it. By the way, being rejected includes having people make fun of us.

Second, it’s true that sometimes others reject and abandon us. But sometimes we reject and abandon ourselves! Then we end up feeling inadequate and worthless.

HIDDEN FEARS CAN HURT US     Whether we realize it or not, we all live with these two fears: the fear that others will abandon or reject us and the fear of feeling inadequate or worthless because we reject ourselves. These fears can get us in trouble and keep us from becoming who were meant to be.

On the one hand for example, to avoid feeling these fears, some of us drink too much, are TV addicts, are workaholics, or have dangerous sex. On the other hand, some of us want to control these feelings so we try harder and  harder to fix things, but nothing changes. Perhaps we use anger to control others or a situation. Or we try to figure things out and get stuck on a mental merry-go-round. We do not find the right answer but we can’t stop thinking about the problem.

GOOD NEWS!     The good news is that we can expose and overcome these fears and the harmful behaviors they cause. There  is a way to do it and it is always the same!

THE FOUR STEPS       First, we need to recognize we are off balance and expose the fear that is making us lopsided. Then we can interrupt and let go of that fear and other emotions that lock in the distorted and painful thinking driving it

Once we do this it’s easier, and feels safer, to face our wrong thinking. We can also risk opening our minds to other ways of thinking and feeling that were not on our radar before. So we begin to see possible solutions and choices that we did not see before. This gives us choice. And when we have choice—when we see the big picture--we can choose where we prefer to focus (refocus). This is important because whatever we focus on will get us more of the same! Now, do we continue to focus on the problem or can we focus on the solution to the problem?

Freedom to focus on the solution liberates us to take action. We can do something to replace the problem and bring about the solution (replace/act).

THE FOUR KEY STEPS AND OUR BRAIN    Here is more good news. If we  take the four key steps mentioned above, we do something different.

   1. Recognize

    2. Interrupt/Let go

    3. Refocus

    4. Replace/act

We stop struggling to avoid or control problems inappropriately. We become problem-solvers instead of anxious or angry defensive self-protectors. Even better, we rewire our brains ! Now, the next time we are off balance, we are more likely to take the four steps and problem-solve when faced with difficulties.      

If you  feel confused or not ready to make these four steps part of your life, here's a resource for you. In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, available on www.amazon.com, Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist gives you more information about the four steps and equips you with  tools to take the steps anytime, anywhere.

Also, here’s a chance to download the book’s first chapter for FREE. Just click here to learn more and find out what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you.

The 8 Emotions You Would Do Well To Let Go Of Right Away

Yes indeed. The best things in life come in small packages! For example, the little package of 4 positive emotions--PACS (peace, acceptance, confidence, satisfaction)--can boost your life.

But thereare 8 negative emotions--PACS-FOGD-- that can sink it. These are the 8 negative PACS-FOGD emotions you would do well to let go of right away. PACS-FOGD emotions have many expressions that vary in intensity and can overwhelm the positive ones. Take a look.

1. Pride (negative) We compare ourselves to others to feel better or superior to them. This is the flip side of shame. We try to be superior to others to avoid feeling shame.  

Expressions of Pride (negative): arrogant, better-than, boastful, cold, condescending, contemptuous, critical, disdaining, judgmental, one-up, perfectionist, pitying, well-positioned, prejudiced, self righteous, self-satisfied, shameless, stiff-backed, superior, uncompromising, vain

2. Anger  Unless we acknowledge and manage it well, it can easily create a downward spiral from offended to hurt to resentful to a pervasive bitter angry judgment that keeps us desperately stuck in the shadows.

Expressions of Anger: annoyed, argumentative, bitter, bloodlust, cold, cruel, demanding, destructive, distempered, despising, frustrated, grudge-holding, hateful, ill-humored, impatient, judgmental, murderous, merciless, oppositional, outraged, persecuting, pouting, rageful, rebellious, resentful, resistant, shameful, spiteful, stubborn, sullen, vengeful, vicious, violent, willful

3. Craving/Lust   It is driven by our desire to have or control a person, thing, or process. It can produce behaviors that seem effective but are truly damaging.

Expressions of Craving/Lust: ambitious, busyness, compulsive, controlling, covetous, demanding, devious, devouring, envious, exploitative, fixated, grasping, greedy, if only I could, longing, lustful, miserly, never satisfied, obsessed, feeling pain, panting, perfectionist, position, power-hungry, possessive, predatory, pulled, ravenous, reckless, selfish, shameless, starved, urgent, vengeful, yearning

4. Shame  It is self-conscious embarrassment, and hurts. Some people prefer to endure terrible consequences--depression, abuse, self-loathing, suicide,-- instead of facing their shame.

Expressions of Shame: a mistake, crushed, defiled, deflated, defective, deformed, dirty, embarrassment, evil, flawed, flushed/hot, humiliated, inadequate, imperfect, looking cheap/foolish/silly, no-good, pain, put-down, pitiful, red-faced, ridiculous, self-conscious, small, tortured, unsuitable, unfit, unlovable, wrong, worthless

5. Fear  It feeds on uncertainty and unpredictability. We feel fear when we can’t solve a problem, or feel uncertainty and doubt. Fear is the only emotion that focuses on the future.

Expressions of Fear: afraid, anxious, avoiding, cautious, controlling, cowardly, distrustful, fleeing, frantic, guilty, hesitant, hiding, horror, hysterical, inhibited, insecure, mistrusting, nervous, out of control, panic, paralysis, paranoid, shy, suspicious, terror, tormented, threatened, trapped, uncertain, uneasy, unprotected, worried

6.Overwhelm   It has 2 expressions. One: we “split off” from all feelings and become numb. Two: we feel wired, agitated, panicky, or hysterical.

Expressions of Overwhelm: apathetic, bored, bewildered, chaos, collapsed, crazy, confused, defeated, depressed, detached, discouraged, disillusioned, doomed, double-minded, exhausted, failure, forgetfulness, give up, give in, helpless, hopeless, horror, hysterical, learned helplessness, impotent, isolated, indecisive, indifferent, invisible, lazy, leaden, lethargic, lifeless, loser, negative, no control, numb, overwhelmed, paralyzed, powerless, preoccupied, resigned, shocked, stunned, spacey, stuck, suicidal, tired, trapped, unfocused, useless, why try?, worthless

7. Grief   It is simply a part of life. We all sustain losses that bring us grief. It becomes a problem when we get stuck in it or are afraid to feel it for fear of drowning in it. We must release it well otherwise we strengthen it.

Expressions of Grief: abandoned, abused, agonizing, anguished, bereft, betrayed, brokenhearted, cheated, despairing, disappointed, feeling loss, forgotten, gloomy, guilty, heartsick, hurt, ignored, inadequate, irrelevant, left out, miserable, misunderstood, neglected, self-pitying, regretting, rejected, remorseful, sad, sorrowful, repentant, tearful, unimportant, unlucky, unloved, unwanted, wounded

8. Disgust  It is feeling turned off, repelled, or sickened by something.

Expressions: disgusted, distaste, foul, nasty, nauseated, offensive, putrid, repelled, repugnant, revulsion, sickened, vile, “yuck”

“But I’ve been drowning in these emotions for years and don’t know how to get out of them,” you say?

The positive news is that you can stop drowning! A new way of dealing with negative emotions is available for you.  Now!  Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2009

Negative Emotions: The True Story

Negative emotions are normal. A daily part of life, they warn and often protect us. But negative emotions can also be dangerous and destructive. The difference depends on how long we allow them to hang around.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS: FRIEND OR FOE?    A negative emotion can warn a child to avoid a stranger. But if that child fails to understand his fear and begins to automatically fear anyone who is different, well, that’s another matter. Then fear is no longer a friend but an enemy. Failure to understand and let go of a negative emotion is the problem, not the emotion itself.
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