Do You Have These Two Hidden Fears?

FEAR IN THE MIX       When life seems unbalanced, look for fear somewhere in the mix.  “Fear?  Anxiety? What kinds of fear are you talking about?” you might ask.

THREE COMMON FEARS    Let’s start with three of the most obvious fears we face every day: fear of confronting someone, fear of making the wrong choice, and fear making a big change in our life. We do not want the pain and trouble that might come from taking these actions. But is that all there is to it?

HIDDEN FEARS     No indeed. Underneath these three fears lie two deeper, often hidden fears: First, we fear feeling abandoned and alone, rejected by the ones that matter to us, or by people in general.

(It does not matter how old or experienced we are, we all have this fear and need to deal with it.)

By the way, being rejected includes having people make fun of us.

Second, we have a fear of feeling inadequate and worthless. True, others can reject and abandon us, causing us to feel awful. But sometimes we reject and abandon ourselves! This can be just as painful.
 

HIDDEN FEARS CAN HURT US     Whether we realize it or not, we all live with these two fears: the fear that others will abandon or reject us and the fear of feeling inadequate or worthless because we reject ourselves. These fears can get us in trouble and keep us from becoming who were meant to be.

On the one hand, to avoid facing our fears, some of us drink too much, are TV addicts, are workaholics, or have dangerous sex. Or we just go numb!

On the other hand, some of us, wanting to control these feelings, try harder and harder to fix things. But nothing really changes. Perhaps we use anger to control others or a situation. Or, to name another control strategy, we try to figure things out but end up stuck on a mental merry-go-round.  We can’t stop thinking about the problem, but never seem to find the right answer. 

Through repetition, we have conditioned our brain/mind and body to automatically and mindlessly think, feel and act in the same ways over, and over, and over. But there is good news.

WE CAN EXPOSE AND OVERCOME OUR FEARS and the harmful behaviors they cause. There  is a way to do it and it is always the same! It starts with realizing that others do not make us think, feel and act a certain way. Others only trigger well-established patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we already have. 

ONCE WE ARE AWARE AND WILLING to take full responsibility for our reactions--to bravely look at them as if we were "objective observers,"we are ready to move on and become the best of who we are.

In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, available on www.amazon.com, I give you four steps and some simple, but powerful tools to help you understand your fears and to change them. Here’s a chance to download the book’s first chapter for FREE. Just click here to learn more and find out what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you.

What’s The Secret To Lasting, Loving Relationships?

Years of verbal abuse, sullen rejection, and little unkind acts toward him had turned him sour. This day, Tom, tall, handsome, and forty-something, felt as if he simply could not stand to listen to her criticizing and blaming another minute. 

But what do you do when you are a “good Christian man” who is supposed to love your wife? Tom wanted to leave Cathy, but did not want the stigma of a divorce. What would their children, the family, their church friends think? This was Tom’s dilemma.

Tom and Cathy had tried Christian counseling, but it hadn’t helped. Their pastor had told them to just hang in there, everything would work out. Tom felt as if he had hit a wall. Was there an answer?

According to Kelly Philbrick, author of Your Changed Life: Daring to Share How Jesus Made the Difference,  “God created us to crave unconditional love, so the only remedy to offer others is His love without conditions.” She continues, 

“There’s something like radar inside the human heart that senses the displeasure of others." She points out that when we sense displeasure instead of acceptance and love, it’s easy to think, "I’m not good enough for you." and then to think, “If I can’t measure up, why even try to share myself with you.”

 All of this leads to a breakdown of communication, trust, and with time, the relationship itself.

God gives a simple road map for change. He suggests that we first clean the inside of our cup.[1] Or to put it another way, instead of focusing on the other's short-comings and failures, he tells us to take the log out of our own eye before we try to "to take the speck out of the other person's eye."[2]

Then he commands us to speak the truth in love,[3] which can lead to good communication, trust, good boundary setting, and unconditional love for one another.  

So here's the problem.  Firstly, Tom and Cathy are so focused on one another's faults that they are: (1) failing to look honestly at themselves, (2) failing to speak the truth in love and set healthy boundaries. (3) They are so caught up in blaming and criticizing that the idea of offering one another unconditional love is not even on their radar.

The solution is to make a 180 degree turn; to stop doing the same old things and do something different. Good news! Tom and Cathy didn't have to do it alone and neither do you.You don't even have to wait for your partner to change

If you stay focused on Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit in you, regardless of what the other person does, you can draw on God's love and power to help you shift your focus away from the other's failures (sins) to focus on the Lord,his love and power in you. 

Tom and Cathy have choices to make. Can they commit to giving God's strategies a try. Admittedly this is very difficult, especially when issues are old and deep, but consider the alternative...   Where do you stand? Need some help?

Follow God’s directions, call on the Holy Spirit’s power. Like Jesus, you can become clean and clear on the inside and do something different... something that brings life instead of death. Look for God to bring forth new life! 

You can uncover the secret of lasting, loving relationships as you commit to: taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, speak the truth in love while setting healthy boundaries, and express unconditional love.

The 4 Steps and simple tools laid out by the Choice-Cube: 1. Confess, 2. Repent, 3. See Garbage & God's Grace, 4. Know & Do God's Will can help.

1.  Matthew 23:26     [2] Matthew 7:5        [3] Ephesians 4:15

2015 Choice-Cube Publications LLC. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License. Reproduction, copying, or redistribution (electronic or otherwise, (including on the World Wide Web), in  whole or in part is encouraged provided the attribution Choice-Cube Publications is preserved

Emotional Culture…What Are You Feeding Yours?

When a person is angry, anxious or generally negative, the energy of these negative feelings easily spills over into that person’s interactions with others. Families, workplaces—all systems—are vulnerable to this, leading to the creation of emotional norms. Note also, that both verbal and non-verbal behaviors will reinforce these norms, be they negative or positive.

You could say that based on shared emotions, a system develops its own “organizational culture of emotions.” This culture, as mentioned, can be negative and toxic or positive and growth oriented. Sad to say, most of the time, people are not even aware of the emotional culture they are creating.

Leadership is critical in this process. When leadership is negative, a negative tone can permeate the whole system. Positive leadership and positive emotions, in contrast, tend to create and maintain the positive tone of a group and its members.

One study looks at a hospital experiencing subpar performance and low morale. The implementation of a 5-star hotel concept at this hospital demonstrated how a change in emotional culture can change the entire system and environment for the better.

Management instructed all hospital employees to follow the “10-5 rule.” This simple rule directed them to make eye contact and smile if they walked within 10 feet of someone. If they were within 5 feet, they were told to say hello. The result was abundant smiling and positivity in the waiting room and the hallways.

The effect on the hospital was positive and amazing. Employee performance showed noticeable improvement. Patients began to refer new patients to the hospital. Many employees, who had opportunities to go to jobs that paid better, chose to remain at this hospital.

So, what’s the takeaway? Research shows that the expression of positive energy can bring positive results to both individuals and the environment. Employees became more engaged, motivated and positive and the whole hospital environment shifted.

How are you directing your energy? You might consider using the Choice-Cube 4 Key Steps and Tools to manage your energy in a positive way. 

Are You Conscious Of Your Subconscious?

What improves our personal health, relationships, happiness, wellbeing, and life in general? Progress made in neuroscience has allowed researchers to ask more complex questions and find more complex answers. 

Today as researchers address these fundamental questions, one important one is: What happens in our brain when we shift the focus of our attention?

Certainly, the focus of our thoughts affects the firing and wiring of brain cells--neurons.  But it is not thoughts, in and of themselves alone, that fire and wire neurons.

Truly, what makes our thoughts so powerful is that they cause direct changes to our emotional states.

Perception filters--the meanings we attach.   Cells within our body respond to our thoughts, specifically interpretive thoughts, i.e. the kind that explain to our subconscious mind how we see the world at a given point in time.

Let's say you encounter a lion… when this happens you automatically go into survival mode… unless you are a lion tamer. In this case, unlike most people, you will have completely different beliefs about how to relate to a lion.

Based on your past experiences and the meanings you attach to the lion, you will be able to interact with the animal without activating your survival mode. Your beliefs will let your body and mind remain calm--in the brain's "learning mode."

Interpretive thoughts are beliefs. These thoughts or beliefs act as perception filters in your subconscious mind. They influence activation of certain processes within you as well as management of all your body's systems. Your perceptions offer all the information your subconscious needs to operate and do the following:

- Guarantee your basic survival.
- Remind you of the emotional drives that connect you in a meaningful way to life.

The "judge" and the "robot"   Now, here are two key points. First, your conscious mind is like a judge and your subconscious mind is like a robot. The judge can rule over your subconscious mind... that is as long as you stay aware and mindful.

Your subconscious, a genius at multi-tasking, is designed to process huge amounts of information every second, while your conscious mind processes a much smaller amount at any given time. Therefore unless you know how to stay conscious of your subconscious, whenever you are distracted or overwhelmed, your subconscious will override your conscious mind and run your life.

Jack can stay out of bars as long as he makes a conscious effort to do so. But let him get too tired or angry, he automatically heads for the bar where he feels comfortable and happy.

Second, believe it or not, your subconscious cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is not real. So what you believe to be true becomes the truth for you. And you will express it in your body, emotions, mind, and behavior.

Annie is a beautiful girl, but she grew up thinking she was a "plain Jane," She automatically dismisses complements and slouches around feeling ugly and unwanted.

Here's how it works:

- You have an experience.

- You automatically attach meanings--perception filters--to the people, things, or problems related to that experience.

- These filters produce mind images that trigger emotions and physical sensations in your body.

Experience >> Meaning Attached >> Emotion(s)

It's a tidy little package in which what you focus on causes your subconscious mind to bring up meanings that you attach to a person, thing, or problem. These meanings then set off emotions and physical sensations within your body that release hormones into your blood, affecting the chemical firing of neurons in your brain that lead to the same thoughts, emotions, and behavior and reinforce the whole cycle.

It makes sense to stay conscious of your subconscious. Since your brain is always set to either a negative way of perceiving--a negative perception filter--or to a positive way of perceiving, it's a good idea to become conscious of your subconscious. Awareness gives you some choice.

About the Author

Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, gives you the chance to explore some of these ideas. Look inside the book at Amazon.com or download its first chapter for FREE. Just click here and get an idea of what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you. 

What's At the Center Of Your Life?

The preacher man was having difficulty explaining how wonderful it is to live with Jesus at the center of his life. He was trying hard, but was not getting through to his congregation.

Finally, he threw up his hands and said, “Before I knew Jesus, I lived in chaos. I either felt nothing or I felt confused. Often, I would just swing back and forth between the two. Living that way was wearing me out!”

What I’m trying to say to you people is that now I live in harmony. My life seems to unfold as a pleasing, consistent whole. Sure, like you, I have good times and bad times. There are constant challenges. But I can always get back to that place of peace and harmony with my Lord. 

I wouldn’t trade this way of life for anything. Nothing! And I believe that anyone who has come to such a place as this, would not be willing to give it up either, not for anything.

You see, living with Jesus, my life has harmony... coherence. I feel stable and safe. I no longer live a life of discord and incoherence. I don't have to feel confused or numb, not really understanding what is going on.  

Thanks be to God, with Jesus at the center of my life, the center holds. Focused on him, no matter what is happening in this world, I’m looking forward to tomorrow, next month, next year. I know God is in control and all things are working together for good. Come join me. The time is short.