4 Proven Steps For Change

Hank was frustrated! He knew he should work things out with Franny, but he was so tired of arguing that he just did not want to make the effort. Trying to work things out with her seemed impossible. What about you? Has life ever seemed a battle between what you knew you should do and what you were willing to do? Have you ever felt you were losing the battle and that there was no way to resolve an issue? 

ONLY THREE CHOICES    The truth is that in every situation you have only three kinds of choices. And everything depends on the choice you make. You can try to avoid an issue. That's what Hank was doing. You can try to control it (use anger or try harder with no good results) or change and successfully resolve it.

It’s only natural to want to avoid or control an issue. Who wants to tangle with a snarling dog? But trying to avoid or control a snarling boss can lead to bigger and nastier problems. Problems start when we fail to resolve issues and get stuck trying to avoid or control them inappropriately.

Here's a important thought. With each choice we make, we program ourselves!

4 SIMPLE STEPS FOR CHANGE     If we choose to take responsibility for what we think, feel, want, and do, we begin to change the only thing we can change. . .ourselves. Let's look at the following 4 steps that can help us make important changes and solve problems.          

STEP 1:  We recognize when, instead of wanting to resolve an issue win-win, we try to avoid it (go shopping, dump on a friend, just give up) or control it (be right, no compromise).

STEP 2:  We manage our stress and express our emotions appropriately.

STEP 3:  We think more clearly now because we have dealt with out stress and negative emotions. Now, we can see the pros and cons of the situation and focus on finding a solution to the problem instead of focusing on the problem itself.

STEP 4:   We do something different and take honest, compassionate action.

THE CHOICE-CUBE METHOD CAN HELP    You may want to look at the Choice-Cube Method’s tools and 4 key steps as one way to make wise choices and changes. The method is found in my book, Become the Person You Were Meant To Be - The Choice-Cube Method:  Step by Step to Choice and Change. Click here to see inside the book. 

Body? Emotions? What Are They Telling Us?

OUR BODY SPEAKS TO US    As a therapist/counselor, more and more I am struck by the importance of the body. A stiff neck can tells us that we slept in an awkward position. In the same way, a body pain may be telling us we have painful emotions that we are failing to deal with, and that something is wrong.

BUT WE DON'T LISTEN     Many of us miss what our body is trying to tell us. We have learned to split off from our body's messages about stress and hurtful emotions. Why? Why would we ignore important messages whether physical or emotional? Because they can hurt! And who wants to have discomfort or pain?

THERE'S A PRICE TO PAY     But we pay a high price for ignoring what our body and emotions try to say to us. Unless we acknowledge that something is wrong, how can we  fix it? 

THIS MIGHT HELP     Of course it helps to have a tried and true way to deal with our feelings, physical or emotional. The simple tools and steps in my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, The Choice-Cube Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change www.amazon.com can help.

                                                                                                                                                               In the book, I discuss the dangers of failing to pay attention to physical and emotional messages. I help you understand how important it is to have choice and make necessary changes. Take a look at the book; it could make a big difference

Trying Hard To Stay Cool, Calm And Collected

Trying hard to stay calm, cool and collected!    This recent status report on Facebook caught my attention. In our super busy world, this statement sums up what many of us are trying to do, much of the time.

BODY   We try to stay calm, cool and collected and control stress in our body (tense shoulders, teeth grinding, sweating, and shallow breathing). But often, we fail to manage our stress because we don't know how. Or we ignore and avoid what our body tells us.

EMOTIONS     We may try, but find it impossible to control, negative emotions such as fear, anger, shame, and feeling overwhelmed. "I shouldn't feel this way." Perhaps we try to avoid them by distracting ourselves. Or we may avoid them as we block or ignore them. Going numb is a symptom of avoidance. 

MIND  - WILL   We often do the same things with unacceptable thoughts and desires. We try to control them and figure them out. Or try to avoid them as we distract ourselves or go numb. 

THEY DON'T JUST DISAPPEAR   Whether we try to avoid or control these reactions, we don't take responsibility for them. And so we fail to deal with them constructively. Does that settle the matter? Oh no. Those messages from our bodies, emotions, or minds go underground—into our subconscious. And there they stay until they gather enough power to resurface, or until circumstances force them into our awareness. 

A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION   So we create a lose-lose conflict. It I let it all hang out, I lose. I hurt people or make a fool of myself. But if I mindlessly and automatically try to avoid or control my thoughts, feelings and desires, I also lose because I don’t really resolve them. What’s a person to do? 

Good question. You can’t fix something if you are not aware of it. So why not allow yourself to think what you think, feel what you feel, want what you want? Willingness to stay aware gets you off auto-pilot. Now, you can take responsibiity for your reactions and make healthy changes.

TRY THE CHOICE-CUBE METHOD   The simple Choice-Cube self-help method www.amazon.com can help you manage your body, thoughts, emotions, and desires. Here's how.

First, the method gives you a mental framework to help you stay in touch with what you feel think, and want. Second, there are simple tools to help you do what’s best for you and for those you care for. Third, there are four key steps to guide your change, in a rliable, systematic way, from inappropriate defensiveness to healthy problem-solving.

Using this method, you learn to feel, think, and want without having to act on it. Instead, you learn to use the framework, tools, and steps to make important changes and take the best course of action. You become your own BFF—best friend forever--and relate in a healthy way to those you care for. 

Doomed To Make The Same Mistake One More Time?

JEN’S STORY.      Jen is plagued with feelings of guilt and regret. She can’t control her rage. Last night, she yelled at her youngest child again because he accidentally spilled his juice on a brand new tablecloth. She hates herself for it now.

She has promised herself over and over that she’ll never do that again. But then another little accident happens, which sends her over the edge. Her son is 5-years-old, for crying out loud! He’s still terribly clumsy, Jen understands that. Now. But she didn’t see it that way last night.

IS SHE DOOMED?      Is Jen doomed to react with rage? Is it simply who she is? Of course, not! She can change!

EASIER SAID THAN DONE.      But it’s easier said than done. What Jen doesn’t understand is that no matter how hard she tries to be more patient with her son she will not succeed unless she changes the beliefs and the inward reactions that cause her angry outbursts.

Her reactions (stress, negative emotions, thoughts and desires) and her angry behaviors result from some painful “unfinished business” and distorted beliefs -- things too painful to bear locked away in her subconscious mind. Only a real conscious effort will enable her to change them.

JEN'S TASK.      Her task is to make what is subconscious conscious. But why? Isn’t it better to just leave these painful things alone? Why bring it all back to the surface?

The answer is that unless we make some things conscious, we are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. Hopefully, there comes a time when we realize we don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. We want to change.

HOW DO WE MAKE SOMETHING CONSCIOUS?      But how do we make something conscious? I suggest that we start with staying aware of our body sensations and emotions. Usually, when dealing with the subconscious, our mind is not our friend! It just gets in the way. Our mind may be telling us things are okay, but our body--our gut--is saying, “Watch out!”

At moment like this, our conscious mind is not what we should be paying attention to. If we are wise, we will learn to pay attention to signals from our subconscious that surface as our inward reactions--the reactions of  of our body (stress), negative emotions, mind/mental pictures, and  will/desires.

THE FASTEST WAY TO LASTING CHANGE.      The fastest way to lasting change is through changing our inward reactions. Remember, these are the reactions of our body, emotions, mind, and will/desires. Once we know what to look for and can identify our reactions, we can begin to change them. And, good news! If we learn to work with our inward reactions, we can retrain ourselves to stop repeating the same mistakes. Even better, when we know how to change our inward reactions, we can change our deep beliefs and choose our behaviors. We can actually rewire our brain.

In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, you will find, among other things, tools and 4 steps to help you recognize, and work through, your inward reactions and deep beliefs. Click here to see inside the book http://amzn.to/Ug268G. You can retrain yourself, change and grow, and engage life more fully. Also, click here http://www.choicecube.com to check out my website and learn about the method.  Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2011