Do You Know What “Double Binds” Are and How to Handle Them?

When you feel angry or anxious and don’t know why, look for a double bind.

A double bind happens when a choice between two options puts you in a conflict you cannot resolve because neither option seems right. You feel that whichever choice you make will cause loss or pain.

It honors the old saying that talks about being between a rock and a hard place.

A common double bind is: Give up your separate identity and you will be accepted because if you Assert yourself you will be rejected. Either way you lose. On the one hand, if you give up being your own person you undermine your identity and self-trust. On the other hand, if you refuse to abandon yourself and try to set healthy boundaries, you must forfeit love and approval.

Double binds distort reality and cause confusion because so much of what drives them is hidden. Caught in a double bind, we cannot, or do not, allow ourselves to see the full truth. Double binds are powerful enemies of reality. It’s easy to get stuck in them.

 A double bind makes us choose between two alternatives that put us in conflict:

• I want to help you, but I don’t have the time./But I feel guilty if I don’t help.


• If I tell the truth, s/he will be mad./But if I lie, I will feel guilty.


• They will love me if I do everything they want./But if I do, I will lose my identity.


• I must always act strong and deny my needs./But then I never get my needs met.


• I am supposed to be successful./But if I am, she will resent me.

 So, how do you handle such situations? How do you deal with a double bind?

You handle it by taking responsibility for your feelings. Get in touch with reality, and then, in the light of truth and compassion, you can find the solution.

You have 2 choices:



Look at these two examples so that you can clearly visualize your options in a given situation:

Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2009       

See the difference? Want to dig deeper? Want to fully understand what this is about?

Now you can, because the Choice-Cube Method is now available for you!

Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, gives you the chance to download its first chapter for FREE.

 Just click here and confirm what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you.

11 Important Things You Must Know About Your Emotions

Whether you are new to learning about and acknowledging your emotions or are a master on the topic, it is always good to remember these 11 facts about your emotions… Remember, you must know your “enemy” to be able to conquer it:

1. Emotions reflect what we believe about something—the meaning we attach to it.


2. Emotions give meaning to life. Without emotions, life would be a chore.


3. Once our emotions are sufficiently stirred up, they can drive our thinking, will, and behaviors.


4. All emotions have physical sensations that we can recognize if we check our body.


5. Numbness, an aspect of overwhelm, is just as much a feeling as anger and fear.


6. Simply admitting to ourselves that we have a PACS-FOGD feeling—I hate that. or I’m afraid or ashamed. or I feel numb.—and labeling that emotion, anger, fear, shame, overwhelm, quiets the amygdala in the emotional center of our brain.


7.  We can acknowledge and accept a negative emotion without acting on it.


8.  Each emotion has a limited amount of emotional “charge.” Once we identify an emotion and use the tools to interrupt and release it, we weaken it and can manage it better.


9. For Christians, honestly admitting we have a PACS-FOGD feeling can be like repenting. When we are honest and compassionate with ourselves, we can accept God’s forgiveness and trust his power to help us overcome negative emotions.


10. Emotions that we mindfully and appropriately release do not return! When we mindfully and appropriately let go of an emotion, what we let out does not return. It sometimes seems as if the emotion has come back, but this is not the case. What we are experiencing in such cases is more unreleased feelings pushing up to the surface, now ready to be released.


11. Remember—if we fail to release negative emotions and mindlessly repeat them, we strengthen them and give them power to control us. We must be careful here and not shut down our feelings. Rather we can learn how to let go of them safely and appropriately (without hurting ourselves or others). (Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2009)

Very wise and easy to understand but, where is all this coming from? What’s PACS-FOGD? What do I do with this?

It all comes from the Choice-Cube Method, and is now available for you!

Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, gives you the chance to download its first chapter for FREE and discover the best way to live.

 Just click here and confirm what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you.

The Most Important Question You’ll Ask Yourself: Are You in Shadow or Light?

                                                                  WANT SOME CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?

Do you seek greater clarity in life? Increased freedom? Emotional stability?

HERE'S ONE WAY

In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, Dr. Beth Cujé argues that the best way to achieve a fuller life and become, indeed, the best you can be, the best version of you is to cross the bridge from shadow to light.    ,

 

 But what does she mean by that? What is shadow and what is light?

LIGHT

“Light is where we want to be”, Beth says. “In the light we have presence of mind. We can see both the down-side and up-side of reality and can choose to be honest and compassionate. We solve problems successfully and take constructive action.”

SHADOW

“In the shadows,” she continues, “we go on autopilot. We defensively react to things that threaten or arouse us. Reality seems lopsided, all bad or all good. This makes it difficult to see the full truth—the big picture—and make wise decisions. Actually, when we are in the shadows, we have only one decision to make—one thing to do—and that is to get back in the light. But first, we must recognize shadow.”

MORE ABOUT LIGHT

First, let's delve deeper into what it means to be “in the light”. Being in the light is a healthy way of life. We are able to think things through and see the consequences of our actions. We are open to the truth, and we want it even though it may hurt. We feel compassion for ourselves and we have a clear sense of who we are. We don’t resort to inappropriate strategies to avoid or control problems. On the contrary, we respond appropriately by desiring to resolve problems.

Our body is relaxed.  Our emotions are positive. Our mind and our will are flexible and balanced. We can indeed see the big picture. When we live in the light we experience the following, among others:

 • Gratitude

• Self-awareness

• Avoiding denial or blaming

• Taking responsibility for own reactions

• Authenticity, being real

• Awareness of our strengths and weaknesses

• Truth-seeking

• Acceptance of others

• Forgiveness of others

• Acceptance of God’s forgiveness

MORE ABOUT SHADOW

When we are in the shadows, our main goal is to protect or satisfy ourselves. We are focused on a problematic person, habit, or situation. Anyone can go into the shadows. That’s a part of life. The problem is when we are stuck there and unable to cross the bridge into the light through the appropriate means. So, we are stuck using avoid and control strategies that will not lead to the resolution of the problem.

The idea of looking for truth or compassion is not important.  We are not in balance. Everything is all good or all bad. We trust nothing and no one, or we are too trusting. We are either submissive or self-protective. When we are in the shadows, we experience these behaviors, among others:

• Unwilling to forgive

• Under-responsible or over-responsible

• Withdrawn

• Preoccupied, hesitant

• Overly sensitive or shy

• Moody, irritable

• Sick frequently without medical cause

• Frequent aches and pains

• Needing constant praise

• Inappropriately defensive

HOW TO MANAGE SHADOW AND LIGHT

If you recognize some of these shadow behaviors in yourself, don’t feel disheartened. The Choice-Cube Method® can help step into the light. Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, is giving you the opportunity to download the first chapter of the book for FREE. Just click here and see what the Choice-Cube Method® can do for you today.

 

Learn This Great One Minute Body Scan Relaxation Exercise

Before you begin:

1.  Put yourself on a Stress Scale 0-10. Zero is totally relaxed. Ten is totally tense.
 2.  Slow down your breathing and inflate an imaginary balloon in your            belly. Then let  the air out, slowly and gently.

3. Continue to breathe slowly and  deeply while you scan down your body as   follows:

-      Relax between your eyes; stop frowning.

-      Relax your upper lip and the inside of your mouth and tongue

-      Drop your shoulders

-      Relax the palms of your hands

-      Relax your knees

-      Maintain the slow deep breathing, filling and emptying the balloon.

-      Move your attention to your feet. Feel the ground pressing up against the soles of your feet, and imagine           them getting wider and longer.

-      Watch your breathing. Slow down.

-     Gently move your toes and feel your feet                           getting larger, wider, longer, and starting to  put down       roots.  Imagine those roots going  down deep into the       ground.

-     Now, repeat the body scan, and as you do, let all               tension drain down and out through the roots to the         gently flowing river of life beneath them: 

-      Relax the space between your eyes.

-      Relax your upper lip, tongue, and insides of your                 mouth.

-      Drop the shoulders.

-      Relax the palms of your hands.

-      Relax your knees.

-      Feel the ground beneath your feet.

-      Grow the roots.

-      All tension drains down through the roots to the river and is swept away gently as the river flows and              carries away your stress. 

When you do this exercise you train your brain to be fully aware of your physical state. Regular repetition of this exercise teaches teach you how to interrupt stress before it overcomes you and changes your brain.

Do you want to feel this good all the time?

Now you can! Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, gives you the chance to download its first chapter for FREE. This exercise is just one of many life-changing tools you will learn in it. Just click here and confirm what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you.

Feeling a Bit Stressed Out? 2 Great Tools to Manage Tension

Do you feel you’re stuck in a rut? Is there something about your life you wish to change, but have no idea how? In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, Dr. Beth Cujé sets forth a series of steps and tools that help you go from shadow into light, in other words, from a problem-focused reality to a problem-solving one.

Now, the first step in crossing this bridge from shadow into light is recognizing that you have a problem, and recognizing the stress that this causes on your body. In her book, Beth provides some very handy, easy to do exercises, to manage the tension. In the tradition of Andrew Weil, use these tools to calm your body and reconnect with your feelings and thoughts.

Deep Breathing

First check to see how stressed you feel on a scale from 0 to 10. Zero is mild stress, 5 is strong stress, and 10 is totally stressed. 

1. Release your breath through your mouth with a whoosh.


2. Put your tongue behind the ridge on the roof of your mouth, behind your upper teeth. Slowly inhale through your nose, mouth closed, to the count of 4. Imagine you have a balloon in your stomach that you fill as full as possible. Feel it expand.


3. Hold the breath to the count of 7.


4. Now put your tongue behind your lower teeth. Relax and exhale slowly through your mouth with a gentle whoosh to the count of 8.


5. Repeat the inhale to the count of 4 with your tongue behind your upper teeth. Hold to the count of 7, and whoosh out gently for the count of 8.


6. Continue the exercise for 4 or 5 rounds as you continue to breathe slowly and calmly.


7. Notice how you feel now. Are you lower on the Stress Scale?

Continue breathing as deeply as possible in this way for as long as you want, or until you feel calmer. When you are finished, check your Stress Scale again to see if you are less stressed.

Another great way to reconnect with yourself and calm the tension in your body is through this hand-tapping tool:

Hand-Tapping

 Start by becoming aware of your breathing.

• As you breathe deeply, tap with the side of one hand (the fleshy part on the little finger

side) on the palm of the other hand.

• Tap firmly and repeatedly in a chopping motion.

• As you tap, give yourself permission to feel whatever surfaces, and imagine letting

go of it by breathing it out.

Feels great, doesn’t it? Now, that you feel a bit calmer, it’s time to consider what you want for your life. Want to feel fully liberated from everyday stress? The Choice-Cube Method® can help you. Dr. Beth Cujé, therapist and author of the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, is giving you the opportunity to download the first chapter of the book for FREE. Just click here and see what the Choice-Cube Method® can do for you today.