Are you struggling with your feelings and behaviors in a current love relationship? Don't be surprised.This often happens when we make a deeper commitment such as monogamous sex, living together, getting engaged or married.
With new changes, old childhood desires for unconditional love and support may awaken. Unhealthy defenses may surface. We may inappropriately try to avoid or control issues. Or we may connect with hidden needs for love and understanding, stirring up fantasies and unrealistic expectations of finally having them met.
When our partner fails to meet our expectations, we may unconsciously think and act in ways that destroy the relationship or deeply undermine it.
TWO STEPS TO HOPE Is there hope? Indeed there is. Honesty about ourselves is the first step. We must take responsibilty for what we think, feel, and do. We can check to see whether we are caught in the "victim-victimizer swing" and do something aabout that. (See my book or earlier post)
The second step is to speak the truth with kindness. When need to admit to ourselves and to our partner that we are acting like victims or vicitmizers. We are trying to protect ourselves or get what we want.
This requires courage, but creates choice. We can continue as defensive self-protectors. Or we can choose instead to be problem-solvers. This means setting healthy boundaries and being real about who we are and what we want.
Seeing our partner as our teacher can be helpful.
This blog can start us on a journey of self-understanding in relationships. Finding the resources within ourselves to win this struggle, however, is both a moment-by-moment and a life-time journey. I challenge you to begin your personal journey. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Check out my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be. It can help you understand yourself and others and give you tools for change.