Get that Paper Bag Off Your Head!

Howard just lay there in bed. He knew he had to go to work. But he felt so anxious and depressed, he didn't want to move. It felt like he had a paper bag over his head, and he didn't know why.

STUCK OR UNSTUCK?  Have you ever awakened feeling out of sorts, not knowing why? When this happened, weren't you tempted to focus on how bad you felt? The danger is, of course, getting stuck inside that brown bag on a mental merry-go-round.

YOU CAN GET UNSTUCK   Yet, there is a way to get unstuck right away. Start with these two simple questions: What am I feeling? and What do I want? can make a difference.

LABEL THAT FEELING!   Yes, you already know you feel lousy. But when you ask the first question and deliberately label what you are feeling, you can locate that feeling in time and space. You make the emotion concrete–something you can manipulate instead of giving it power to run you... you stop doing the same old thing and do something different.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR BRAIN Recent brain research by Matthew Lieberman of the University of California, Los Angeles suggests that simply labeling your feelings—angry, anxious, overwhelmed, sad—changes your brain.

A little almond shaped bundle of nerves, called the amygdala, sits in your emotional brain. It becomes very active when you are upset. Lieberman found that when his research subjects deliberately labeled their feelings, the amygdala began to slow down and “relax.” Also, labeling an emotion engages the thinking part of the brain and better equips you to understand and resolve your problems.

YOU CAN LEARN SOME SIMPLE TOOLS   There are simple tools you can learn to help you stay aware of feelings and label them. These tools can also help you to let go of feelings safely and appropriately. “Appropriately” means to express them without hurting yourself or anyone else. Later I'll tell you where you can find those tools.

So label your painful, angry, and overwhelming feelings. Learn to let go of them and engage the thinking part of your brain. Your mind will clear and now, it’s time for the second question: What do I want?

BAD NEWS – GOOD NEWS     When you ask this second question, look for personal losses and conflicts. There may be surprises. The bad news is that often, emotions help you avoid knowing things you are not ready to face. The good news is that when you release those emotions in an appropriate fashion, the door usually opens to new understanding. This includes knowing what you really want.

EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS CAN POISON YOU   Appropriately managing your negative emotions and thoughts is critical. If you fail to deal with them, they don’t just disappear. They just sit in you. Like bad food, they can poison you until you get them out of you. Whoa, you can become so toxic, confused, and stuck. Why not learn to recognize emotional paper bags and how to get rid of them?

Using the two questions What am I feeling? and What do I want? can help. You can learn about these questions and other things in the book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube Method. The method presented in the book will give you a mental framework, simple tools, and four steps to help you deal with all kinds of paper bags. You can download the first chapter for free.

Are You A Three-Way-Mirror?

YOU are a three-way-mirror:  How you relate to yourself;  how you relate to others and the world in general; and how you relate to the world of spirit--the world you cannot see or touch.

Have you examined your mirrors lately? It might be a good idea to do just that. Why? Because what is in your three mirrors determines the quality and direction of your life. What is in your mirrors controls how much freedom, purpose, fulfillment, and life-satisfaction you are experiencing , have experienced, and will experience!

If how you relate to yourself--your intra-personal mirror--is limiting or distorted, if how you relate to others--your inter-personal mirror--is limiting or distorted, if how you relate to spirit--your trans-personal mirror--is limiting or distorted,   then  seeing who you really are, how wonderful you are, and what you are here on earth for becomes a very difficult task. 

But there is good news. You always have choice. It’s never too late to change what is in your mirrors. 

YOUR INTRA-PERSONAL MIRROR.          Let me give you an example of each mirror, starting with the first one--how you relate to yourself. Are you your own best friend or your worst enemy? Do you take responsibility for what you think, feel, want, and do? This is the only way to make lasting changes. Do you encourage yourself with honest feedback and compassion? Do you speak to yourself with understanding and love? Do you follow through on your dreams and desires?

Or are you critical and harsh with yourself? Do you feed yourself thoughts and pictures of fear, failure and inadequacy? Do you dwell on unrealistic pictures and dreams that you will never pursue?

YOUR INTER-PERSONAL MIRROR.          Here’s the second mirror--how you relate to others and the world in general. Do you share yourself with people who care for you and have your best interests at heart? Are you honest and compassionate with those you meet and those you are intimate with? Do you treat them the way you want to be treated? Do you speak the truth with kindness, seeking to resolve issues “win-win” (everyone feels they are getting a fair deal)?

Or, are you critical, judgmental, impatient and demanding with others? Do you use others for your pleasure and fail to have their best interests at heart? When there are issues, do you avoid dealing with them? Do you go along and agree just to avoid conflict? Do you try to control things by getting angry or pouting and withdrawing?

YOUR TRANS-PERSONAL MIRROR.          Here’s the third mirror--how you relate to the world that you cannot see or touch--the world of spirit.  Do you believe there is a power greater than yourself? Do you believe this power exists for your good? Perhaps you see it as non-caring and impersonal or even destructive.

It is beyond the scope of this article to discuss the three mirrors in depth. However, since what is in your three mirrors so influences your life, I invite you to take a few minutes to look at them. What do you see? What would you prefer to see? What changes do you need to make to get what you want? What’s the best way to do that?

One way to give yourself choice and make the mirror changes you desire can be found in my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be – The Choice-Cube^©Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change. Click here.  You can also check out this website to learn more about the method.

Learner Or Self-Protector: Which Are You?

Are You a Learner?

Being a “learner” is meant to be your normal way of life. When you are a learner, you can see both the negative and positive sides of reality—the big picture. You could say that you are an objective observer of what is going on. Also, learners have hope.

The creative, problem-solving conscious mind is in control when you are a learner. Instead of becoming inappropriately defensive, trying to avoid or control difficulties inappropriately, you stay open and curious. You feel rightly connected within yourself and to others, and to God, if you are a believer.

When faced with difficulties, your primary concern is to get to the truth with compassion for yourself and others.  You want to resolve issues in a win-win fashion (Everyone feels fairly dealt with.). And you can express the best of who you are—your healthy-best-real self. Here’s summary of what it is like to be a learner.

Body of a Learner: Your body responses are relaxed, but alert.

Emotions of a Learner: Your emotions are positive (peace, acceptance/love, confidence/zest, satisfaction).

Mind of a Learner: Your mind reflects flexible and balanced thinking (You see both  the negative and positive sides of people and situations--the big  picture) and you can freely choose what you focus on.

Will/Desires of a Learner: You want to stay out of inappropriate avoid or control strategies and prefer to resolve difficulties win-win.

Behaviors of a Learner: With this mindset, you can base your reactions on a clearer picture of reality and on the best of who you are.

                                                     Are You a Self-Protector?

Like all humans, you can become a defensive “self-protector” when you feel unsafe or highly aroused, even if you are unaware of it. Feeling threatened, aroused, and becoming self-protective is a normal part of life for everyone!

The problem is when you become inappropriately defensive or get stuck in defensive self- protectiveness. Ah, there’s the problem. Inappropriate or repeated defensiveness can undermine and hurt you. It can even destroy your relationships. 

When youbecome an inappropriate self-protector, to some degree, you ”split off" From yourself. You lose a clear picture of reality and your freedom of choice. All you want is to avoid discomfort and pain or get what you want and feel in control again. So you tend to act in ways that hurt you and others. For example, you may refuse to admit when you are wrong, run away, see yourself as better than others, act out sexually, isolate, or become unreasonably angry. 

When you arestuck as a self-protector, you lose a clear picture of reality, and to some degree, your freedom of choice. You repeat inappropriate ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. But even worse, you train yourself to stay defensive and self-protective. You may even look be on the lookout for things to make you defensive.

Becoming a defensive self-protector is normal and adaptive when there is a genuine threat to your safety and wellbeing or to the safety and wellbeing of those you love. Going in to self-protect is maladaptive and hurtful if:

1. You go there because of an imagined threat.

2. You go there and get stuck there.

The subconscious mind rules your defensiveness. When you become self-protective, instincts or habit patterns stored in your sub-conscious mind take over. If you don’t know how to recognize when this happens and do something different, the habit can take control of you.

You can become rigid, confused, or all mixed-up. It’s almost impossible to see the whole truth--the big picture-- when you are in self-protector mode. So, you refuse to discuss the issue and leave the room, get angry, or pout in silence.

At this moment, you are on autopilot mindlessly reacting instead of responding appropriately. If you are stuck as a self-protector, you are like a CD. Just like a CD, when activated, you play the same reactions over and over, relating to others in the same old hurtful ways.

If you pay attention to how you are reacting, you’ll find that your body is stressed and that you have negative emotions such as pride, anger, fear, disgust, or the craving to be right.

If you pay attention to what you are saying to yourself, you will find that the thoughts and pictures in your mind are also negative. You may be thinking, Just shut up. Leave me alone. I don’t care what you say. You’re jerk. You don’t know anything.

Finally, if you check what you want, your will or desire may be to get even, be right, or get away. The following is a summary of your reactions. 

Body of a Self-Protector:  You are tense, agitated, or collapsed.

Emotions of a Self-Protector:  You are emotionally negative.  

Mind of a Self-Protector: You are mentally off-balance. Things seem all good or all bad. Or you are double minded, helplessly swinging back and forth between seeing things as all good or all bad.

Will/Desires of a Self-Protector:  You want to avoid or control people, situations, and problems in inappropriate ways.

Behaviors of a Self-Protector: Your behaviors tend to be impulsive, compulsive or you may seem paralyzed--unable to act.

Is staying a learner worth the effort? Yes. Indeed it is! Staying a learner often requires effort, but being a learner leads to integration and growth, emotional and physical health, and fulfilling relationships.

I invite you to take the Choice-Cube Method Self-Assessment Quizto find out whether you are more in shadow—a self-protector--or in more in light—a learner.

Help That Hurting Child!

Courtney, a lovely, blond thirty-something was frantic. Her ten-year-old son, Tim, was out of control and she simply did not know what to do about it. There were the daily calls from school about his grades and his acting out. He was disrespectful to her now in a way he had never been before. Courtney was scared. She didn’t know which way to turn. 

Tim was her only child. His dad had deserted her and his son when the boy was five. Courtney had to raise him by herself with a little help from her family who live in a neighboring state. Courtney thought she had done a good job. But now…well, she wasn’t so certain.  

A strange thing about Courtney, she believed in God for lots of things in her life. God always seemed to come through for her. But this time, for some reason, she was having difficulties believing God was in control of the situation and would help her.  

The “meaning she attached” to this situation with Tim, to herself, and to God was oh, so negative and hopeless. The “story” she was telling herself was dangerous and destructive.  

 THE “STORY” - THE “MEANING ATTACHED”     The meaning you attach to anything affects your:  

• body (stress)
• emotions
• mind (thoughts-mental pictures)
• will/desires.  

The first three are pretty straightforward. Will/desire is a little tricky.

Basically when you have difficulties with a person (including yourself), a thing, action, or problem you can will/desire only three things:

• to avoid   
• to control 
• to resolve difficulties in a win-win" fashion (everyone, including you, feels they got a fair deal.  

It's only human to want to avoid or control things that are scary and hurtful. It only makes sense. But unless you deal with something honestly, it’s unlikely you will resolved it satisfactorily and permanently.

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FOCUS:      Now,  here’s some good news. You have choice regarding the meaning you attach--the "story" you tell yourself.. You have choice because you can choose where you put your focus. Do you focus on your losses and difficulties? Or do you focus on your options, strengths, and possibilities?  

COURTNEY’S NEGATIVE FOCUS:      Courtney is focused on the negative side of reality Tim’s behavior, her fear, and her helplessness are overwhelming her. The answer to this negativity, however, is not to pump herself up and try to be positive. The answer to her situation is to see reality clearly—the big picture and to choose whether she wants to continue to focus on the negative side of reality or to shift her focus to the positive side of reality. If she continues to dwell on her fears and helplessness, there’s a good chance that her fears will come to pass. (If Courtney can’t make a choice, I’ll explain a way to get help.)  

It’s a universal law, like gravity, that whatever you focus on will get you more of the same 

Let’s imagine that Courtney just gives up and continues to focus on Tim and this difficult situation. She may ignore how stressed she feels and continue to stew around in fear, helplessness, hopelessness, and probably anger. She may try to  get out of he negative mood or state of mind by calling a friend and complaining, eating, shopping, or sleeping more. 

These behaviors may help her temporarily feel better, but none of these strategies gets to the root of the problem--the story she is telling himself. In fact, it’s likely they will make things worse. 

COURTNEY’S POSITIVE FOCUS:     In contrast, Courtney can admit that she and Tim are in a bad place. (What Courtney believes about this difficult situation is true.). She may realize that the negative side is only part of reality, only part of the big picture. The other side of reality is that she and Tim have strengths, options, and possibilities she can’t see now because she is so overwhelmed by the problem. 

If Courtney wakes up and questions her story, she can start to make changes in herself and how she interacts with Tim. She needs to stand back and objectively look at what going on inside of her--become a “conscious observer” of her reactions.  

She needs to stay aware of the inward reactions of her body, emotions, mind, and will so she can change them. This will give her immediate relief and she will stop doing the same old thing and do something different. Furthermore, as she repeatedly changes her inward reactions, the changes will last! Courtney will stop being her own worst enemy and begin to be her own best friend.  

Tim, like all children, he needs three critical things from his parent(s), Courtney. 

1. 1. He needs to believe and feel (not simply be told, but feel) that she listens to him. 
2. 2. He needs to believe and feel that Courtney understands him and loves him. 
3. 3. He needs Courtney to help him make sense of everything that is happening.

WAKE UP TIME:     So, Courtney needs to wake up to the “story“ she is telling herself and make some changes. But how? The way is always the same.  

Though there are lots of ways to change, Courtney had learned about the Choice-Cube® Method from a friend and decided to use the method’s mental framework, simple tools, and 4 steps to help her manage her inward reactions. Remember, inward reactions are the reactions of your body (stress), negative emotions, the thoughts, pictures in your mind, and your desire/will.    

Courtney understood that the fastest and most lasting way to change starts with changing her inward reactions. This is because whether you want to change behaviors or your beliefs, in the end your four inward reactions will have to change. 

At first, Courtney may be uncomfortable, maybe even more sad, angry, and helpless. But she won’t be stuck! 

DANGER AND HOPE:     Let’s get clear. If Courtney continues to focus on Tim and her helplessness, fear, and anger, she will create situations that cause the very thing she fears to become more and more real. She will become increasingly stuck and unable to change. And the situation will continue to deteriorate.

In contrast, if she becomes a conscious observer and gets in touch with her stress, feelings, thoughts and desires, she can use the Choice-Cube tools to change them. She can get to the whole truth about the situation, including hers strengths, options and possibilities, and Tim’s also. Then she can focus on those, and create change in both of their lives. 

A CRITICAL LIFE CHOICE:     Courtney is at a critical choice point in her life and Tim’s life. Will she screw up his courage and do something to change herself so she can then address her son's issues? Will she go for short-term pain but long-term gain? 

IF ARE YOU READY TO CHANGE:     If you are at a choice-point like Courtney, are you ready to change and stop focusing on the problem? You can begin to turn your life around. First, admit that you have a problem. Second, look at the “meanings you attach” to the issue and third, repeatedly take the following 4 STEPS of the Choice-Cube Method. 

If you don’t know what you are telling yourself—your story or the meanings you are attaching—these four steps will help you find that out.

Step 1: RECOGNIZE - Focus on your body and use the Choice-Cube tools to manage your stress.  

Step 2: INTERRUPT/RELEASE - Label your emotions and use the Choice-Cube tools to let go of those emotions safely and appropriately. Your emotions lock in limited and distorted thinking. So, after you use the tools to release your emotions appropriately, you will see both the negative and positive sides of reality more clearly.

Step 3:  REFOCUS - Look at both sides of reality. Imagine holding the negative reality in your left hand and the positive reality in your right hand. Now, seesaw between the two until you can choose which side you want to focus on, negative or positive. Remember, this is an important choice, because, whatever you choose will get you more of the same! 

Step 4:  REPLACE/ACT - Once you have managed your body (stress), your negative emotions, thoughts and pictures, you can choose what you want to do. Do you want to do something fresh and different and resolve the situation “win-win,” Or do you want to repeat the same old inward reactions trying to control or avoid the person, thing, action, or problem inappropriately. Be as specific and detailed as possible and use the Choice-Cube tools to help you make the changes you desire.

To help you get a handle on your inward reactions: body, emotions, mind, and will, you can take the Choice-Cube Assessment Questionnaire on my website. Click here /. To learn the Choice-Cube Tools or gain a deeper understanding of the method, check out my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method. Click here http://amzn.to/Xw2YMZ. 

Oxytocin - Warm Hugs With That Guy Or Gal?

DEBBIE’S STORY Debbie recalls the day she met her husband. It was the typical scene of gazes meeting across a crowded room. They spoke. They danced. He walked her home. They shared a brief kiss. But then they hugged. And that was what did it for her. She knew right then and there he was the man for her. A few years later they married.

What happened that first night? Love at first sight? Magic? Ah, wouldn’t it be romantic, but no. Most likely, their romance was influenced by a surge of oxytocin – a hormone that passionate physical touch and closeness releases in the brain.

WHAT IS OXYTOCIN? Oxytocin is produced in the brain, in the hypothalamus, and released into the bloodstream like several other hormones. Now, the interesting thing is how this hormone is released. Breastfeeding and orgasm produce oxytocin, but also passionate warmth and touch. It washes over our bodies when we are physically close to someone who desires us and whom we desire.

So, when Debbie met her future husband, she didn’t know him well enough to love him, but she trusted him, she felt comfortable with him (the reason why she allowed him to walk her home), and the embrace they shared was so powerful, it started the bonding that would lead to a deep affection for one other,

Happily for Debbie and her husband they shared those feelings. They nurtured them and the more time they spent together, they more their attraction grew, creating the deep and loving relationship they share today.

WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT OXYTOCIN? Now, why does this concern us? Or better yet, our question should be: How can we use this knowledge of what this hormone does to us?

Some couples go to therapy and arrive in deeply agitated states. They can’t think when they are so flustered, so focused on what is wrong in the relationship and how badly it all hurts. Some therapists report the sense of trust and safety brought on by the effects of oxytocin makes their clients more open to therapeutic change. A 30-second, full-body hug is usually enough to calm them and make them ready to continue working.

But besides the therapeutic effects of oxytocin, this little hormone teaches us a powerful lesson. Sometimes, we let our emotions run wild, out of control. If we want what's best for us and to become our best, healthiest selves. we would do well to understand our emotions and not let them control us.

As for the warning hinted at in the title, Oxytocin - Warm Hugs With That Guy Or Gal? - watch out unless you are prepared to embrace the rollercoaster ride that is a romantic relationship. Stay in touch with the best of who you are and set healthy boundaries. If you do, you could be on the road to a long-lasting relationship.

Want to find out more about becoming your best, healthiest self? In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, you will find tools and steps to help you do just that. Here’s your chance to download its first chapter for FREE. Just click here and get an idea of what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you. You can retrain yourself, change and grow, and engage life more fully