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Republican presidential candidate Romney’s recent statement about victimhood brings to mind Herman Cain’s, declaration of some months ago, ”I refuse to be a victim!”
I was fascinated to hear Cain, an earlier Republican presidential hopeful, clearly state that he refused to be a victim. What exactly are these two powerful men talking about?
WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIM. Victims try to Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! They believe they need others to fix or provide for them. As result, they are willing to give up their healthy, independent selves rather than confront and resolve issues,. Victims respond to people and situations from an under-dog, one-down position. For a victim, it feels safer to avoid arguments and confrontation.
BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM. The problem is that victims eventually find a way to become the victimizer.
WHEN YOU ARE A VICTIMIZER. Victimizers try to Control! Control! Control! They send the message. “You need me to set things straight. I have all the answers. I know better. I’ll fix you and everyone else. It must be done my way.“ Victimizers respond to people and situations from a top-dog, one-up position. Being in control helps a victimizer feel safe.
THE VICTIM-VICTIMIZER SWING. Just as victims swing into the victimizer position, every victimizer eventually collapses into the victim position. I call this swing from victim to victimizer or from victimizer to victim the “Victim-Victimizer Swing.” Every one goes into the Victim-Victimizer Swing from time to time. But gratefully, a third option exists.
WHAT ABOUT THE PROBLEM-SOLVER POSITION? The choice to respond to people and situations as victims or victimizers tugs at us in every stressful situation. But those who manage their stress and negative emotions can stay aware and objective. They have a third option. They can respond as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution. It all starts with honesty and a commitment to a win-win solution.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? Using Eric Berne’s concept of “okayness,” might help you recognize when you go into victim or victimizer. When you feel stressed or confused, ask yourself which position you have adopted.
These are confusing times. Becoming victims and victimizers only adds to problems and detracts from finding solutions. Would you like to learn more about becoming a problem solver? In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be The Choice-Cube Method, Dr. Beth Cujé helps you understand yourself and sets forth tools and 4 steps to help you become a problem-solver. Just click here to get the first chapter of her book for FREE.
DO YOU HAVE ADRENAL BURNOUT?
FROM: Frank Shallenberger, MD, HMD
Dr. Shallenberger is the Director of the Nevada Center for Complementary Medicine. He has served as a Clinical Instructor in Family Medicine at the University of California School of Medicine in David, California
Shadow Do you remember what happened to you the last time you felt unsafe or threatened—when you 
went into shadow? Did you catch yourself feeling defensive, self-protective? Did you act like a victim or did you become aggressive and act more like a victimizer?
Becoming defensive—going into the shadows--when feeling threatened is normal. That’s just part of life. Problems start, however, when we automatically repeat the same thoughts, feelings and behaviors in similar situations.
Taylor, an attractive twenty-something knew she was hurting her marriage by becoming defensive when her husband, Tom, asked her almost any simple question. Tom warned her that her unwillingness to discuss problems and make changes was undermining and hurting them both. He even pointed out that her attitude was destroying his love for her. What was going on?
The Subconscious Mind Rules Shadow Taylor didn’t realize it, but she went into the shadow and became unreasonably defensive because of habit patterns stored in her sub-conscious mind. When activated by a question, they took over. Old ways of protecting herself, learned in the past, controlled her. Sometimes she would feel chaotic, sort of crazy. At other times she would get sullen and rigid. Either way, chaotic or rigid, she was unable to see the whole truth--the big picture. All she knew at the moment was that she wanted to avoid discomfort and pain and feel in control again.
Taylor had to learn the hard way that her automatic, mindless way of reacting was destructive. In fact, Tom had to leave her before she woke up.
What About You? You can tell whether you are in shadow or light by paying close attention to your body (stress), emotions, mind (thoughts and pictures in your mind), and your will/desires. These are your four inward reactions. NOTE: If one of your four inward reactions is shadow, they will all be shadow. And your behavior will be shadow also. If one of the four is light, they will all be light. And your behavior will be also.
Inward Reactions - In Shadow
Going Into Shadow Is Part Of Life Going into the shadows is normal and healthy when there is a genuine threat to our safety and well-being or to the safety and well-being of those we love. Going into the shadows is maladaptive and hurtful if we: (1) go there because of an imagined threat or (2) go there and get stuck there.
In Shadow We Are "Split Off" From Ourselves When we are in shadow, our focus narrows to the person, thing, action, or problem that seems to threaten us. We are compelled to repeat thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that give us the illusion of safety (isolating, seeing ourselves as better than others, refusing to admit when we are wrong, feeling misunderstood, getting angry). When this happens, to some extent, we split off from ourselves, others, and from God. if we are believers.
Light Being in the light is meant to be our normal way of life. In the light, we are fully present. We see reality clearly, we have freedom of choice, and we have hope.
The Conscious Mind Rules Light In the light, we feel safe and at rest. Our creative, problem-solving conscious mind is in control. Instead of becoming inappropriately defensive, we stay open and curious. If we are believers, we feel rightly connected within ourselves, to others, and to God. Our primary concern is to get to the truth of difficult situations with compassion for ourselves and others. And we express the best of who we are -- who we were meant to be.
Inward Reactions In Light
the difficult issue in a win-win way.
Is Worth The Effort To Get To The Light? Yes, indeed! Getting to the light often requires effort, but being in the light is the way to integration and growth, emotional, physical health, and healthy relationships. Please take the Choice-Cube Method Self-Assessment Quiz / to find out whether you are more in shadow or in light.
“What?” Katie, a pleasant, thirty-eight-year-old looked surprised. 
PEOPLE-PLEASING IS LEARNED BEHAVIOR “It’s true,” I answered, “People-pleasing is a learned behavior. You know what I mean. In order to feel safe and get along in the world, you learned to pretend things were okay when they were not.
Instead of being honest and sharing what you really felt and wanted, you learned to accept whatever people handed you. You learned to avoid confrontation whatever the cost.”
“Early in life,” I continued, “it probably felt safer not to argue or stand up for yourself-- to ‘make nice.’ So you repeated that ‘get-along nicely’ behavior over and over. The problem is that without realizing it, each time you repeated it, you made changes to your brain and body until people-pleasing became automatic and ‘easy’—a way of life.”
“Learning to people-please is like learning any other skill—riding a bike, typing, or swimming. The more you repeat the behavior, the better you become at doing it, even if the “skill” (refusing to discuss an issue, feeling like a victim, or silently blaming others) is destructive or useless.”
“So you learned very well how to get along ‘nice and easy.’ Allowing yourself to be honest may even seem dangerous. You may be afraid to be real (though you may not allow yourself to feel the fear). Because you usually react as a non-confrontational, people-pleaser you probably believe this is who you really are.”
YOU HAVE A FALSE SELF AND A HEALTHY BEST REAL SELF “But Katie,” I said, “that is not the whole story. Yes, you have that make-nice-at-any-cost part of you. I call it a false self. But you are ignoring the best of who you are. The gentle, loving part of you that wants kindness and harmony, that’s the best of who you are--the real you.”
“Circumstances, experiences and choices can morph the best of anyone into an anxious people-pleaser. Fear and the need to get along can distort your thoughts and make it feel dangerous to tell people what you want.”
“Anyone may create a false self to get along--to feel safe and in control. But repeatedly acting as the false self, causes that self to seem like the real self. In fact, the false people-pleaser can become so powerful that eventually it seems impossible to be honest and let others know where you stand—to set boundaries with others. It feels too scary to come out of hiding.”
YOU CAN LEARN TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT “But there is good news.” I continued, “Just as you learned to hide and make nice, you can unlearn it and learn to do something different! You can learn to be honest, but kind, and say what’s on your mind. Sure, it takes effort and time, but the alternative is to stay stuck doing the same useless and hurtful things over and over.”
WHAT ABOUT IT? ARE YOU READY FOR A CHANGE? These four steps can take you where you want to go.
Would you like to learn more about why you fall back on people-pleasing and your false self? Take a look at Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube® Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change http://amzn.to/N7PKTh . In this book, I help you understand why you are the way you are. I provide simple tools to give you choice and take the four key steps to help you change. Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2012 http://www.choicecube.com.
You can find my book on Amazon.
