Barbara, with her short sandy colored hair had some tough decisions to make. So many things were swirling around in her head that she felt sick inside from all the questions. Her friends and family told her to just use her willpower and get out of the relationship. But it seemed more complex than thatRead More
Here are four simple steps that can change any relationhip for the better.
Try it and see how it helps. P.S. There's a funny video after the steps.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is feeling. You don't have to understand it or agree with it. Just acknowledge it.
2. Touch the person gently if it is appropriate.
3. Reassure the other of your concern and willingness to understand the problem and work it out with him or her.
4. Offer to help solve the problem. Note:This is the last thing you do. Don't try to solve the problem until the other feels heard, understood and accepted.
Now Click here...It's NOT About The Nail!:
From: Become The Person You Were Meant To Be - The Choice-Cube Method: Step by Step To Choice and Change (2nd Edition. p.118).
Note: You can use this tool to calm and support your won "inner child."
“What?” Katie, a pleasant, thirty-eight-year-old looked surprised.
PEOPLE-PLEASING IS LEARNED BEHAVIOR “It’s true,” I answered, “People-pleasing is a learned behavior. You know what I mean. In order to feel safe and get along in the world, you learned to pretend things were okay when they were not.
Instead of being honest and sharing what you really felt and wanted, you learned to accept whatever people handed you. You learned to avoid confrontation whatever the cost.”
“Early in life,” I continued, “it probably felt safer not to argue or stand up for yourself-- to ‘make nice.’ So you repeated that ‘get-along nicely’ behavior over and over. The problem is that without realizing it, each time you repeated it, you made changes to your brain and body until people-pleasing became automatic and ‘easy’—a way of life.”
“Learning to people-please is like learning any other skill—riding a bike, typing, or swimming. The more you repeat the behavior, the better you become at doing it, even if the “skill” (refusing to discuss an issue, feeling like a victim, or silently blaming others) is destructive or useless.”
“So you learned very well how to get along ‘nice and easy.’ Allowing yourself to be honest may even seem dangerous. You may be afraid to be real (though you may not allow yourself to feel the fear). Because you usually react as a non-confrontational, people-pleaser you probably believe this is who you really are.”
YOU HAVE A FALSE SELF AND A HEALTHY BEST REAL SELF “But Katie,” I said, “that is not the whole story. Yes, you have that make-nice-at-any-cost part of you. I call it a false self. But you are ignoring the best of who you are. The gentle, loving part of you that wants kindness and harmony, that’s the best of who you are--the real you.”
“Circumstances, experiences and choices can morph the best of anyone into an anxious people-pleaser. Fear and the need to get along can distort your thoughts and make it feel dangerous to tell people what you want.”
“Anyone may create a false self to get along--to feel safe and in control. But repeatedly acting as the false self, causes that self to seem like the real self. In fact, the false people-pleaser can become so powerful that eventually it seems impossible to be honest and let others know where you stand—to set boundaries with others. It feels too scary to come out of hiding.”
YOU CAN LEARN TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT “But there is good news.” I continued, “Just as you learned to hide and make nice, you can unlearn it and learn to do something different! You can learn to be honest, but kind, and say what’s on your mind. Sure, it takes effort and time, but the alternative is to stay stuck doing the same useless and hurtful things over and over.”
WHAT ABOUT IT? ARE YOU READY FOR A CHANGE? These four steps can take you where you want to go.
- · Step 1: Recognize when you go into your people-pleaser self.
- · Step 2: Label what you are feeling (anger, fear, shame). Then let go of those feelings, safely and appropriately. (There are specific techniques for this.)
- · Step 3: See the big picture (your strengths and possibilities as well as your weaknesses). Then focus on the positive.
- Step 4: Replace the negative with the positive and take a risk. Act on it!
Would you like to learn more about why you fall back on people-pleasing and your false self? Take a look at Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube® Method: Step by Step to Choice and Change http://amzn.to/N7PKTh . In this book, I help you understand why you are the way you are. I provide simple tools to give you choice and take the four key steps to help you change. Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cujé 2012 http://www.choicecube.com.
I was fascinated to hear Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, clearly state that he refuses to be a victim. Would you agree that the opposite of a victim is a victimizer? It’s true. And everyone is capable of becoming both a victim and a victimizer.
But a third option exists. We always have the choice to respond to people and situations as victims, victimizers, or as problem-solvers looking for a win-win solution.
DEBBIE’S STORY Debbie recalls the day she met her husband. It was the typical scene of gazes meeting across a crowded room. They spoke. They danced. He walked her home. They shared a brief kiss. But then they hugged. And that was what did it for her. She knew right then and there he was the man for her. A few years later they married.
What happened that first night? Love at first sight? Magic? Ah, wouldn’t it be romantic, but no. Most likely, their romance was influenced by a surge of oxytocin – a hormone that passionate physical touch and closeness releases in the brain.